Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

What can be broken, but can't be held? A promise.

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.

Where do hamburgers go to dance? They go to the meat-ball.

What's Forrest Gump’s Gmail password? 1forrest1

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

How do snails fight? They slug it out.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta!

How do you impress a female baker? Bring her flours.

What has a face and two hands, but no arms or legs? A clock.

What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.

Why couldn't the pony sing? Because she was a little hoarse.

Hate your haircut? Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.

Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.

Why is corn such a good listener? Because it's all ears.

Why couldn't the bad sailor learn his alphabet? Because he always got lost at C.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? The old Volks home.

To the guy who invented the zero… Thanks for nothing.

How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him? A buccaneer!

What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers

Why don't penguins like talking to strangers at parties? They find it hard to break the ice.

Why can’t two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside.

What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.

Why did the banana go to the hospital? He was peeling really bad.

What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.

What's a bear with no teeth called? A gummy bear.

Put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween? Prankenstein.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese!

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

What never asks questions, but is often answered? A doorbell.

What did one penny say to another penny? We make cents.

What do call it when you help a lemon that's in trouble? Lemon-aid.

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

What's a snake's favorite subject? Hisstory.

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, grandpa! No hands!

Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why was the student's report card wet? It was below C level!

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

Why did the policeman go to the baseball game? He'd heard that someone had stolen a base!

How do billboards talk? Sign language.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did Santa study music at college? To improve his rapping skills.

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed.

What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.

What disease do you get when you put up the Christmas decorations? Tinselitus.

Why did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses? It lost all it's contacts.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a street.

What did the chip say when he saw the cheese stealing? Hey, that's Nachos.

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his food? Because he was a little shellfish.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tube-a toothpaste.

What has a bed that you can't sleep in? A river.

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.

What's a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? The trom-bone.

What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.

When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minne-sota

How do you make a Swiss roll? Push him down a mountain.

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania.

What comes down, but never comes up? Rain.

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar. He takes things personally.

What did the axe murderer say to the judge? It was an axe-ident.

What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking? A nervous wreck.

I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can’t find them. So I guess we’ll just have to ‘wing’ it.

What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

Long wait to see the doctor? Be patient.

Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they're always stuffed.

What's the difference between America and a memory stick? One's USA and the other's USB.

When is a door not a door? When it's a-jar.

What would bears be without bees? Ears.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.

What's the most musical part of the chicken? The drumstick.

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays for three days, then leaves on Friday. How did he do it? His horse's name was Friday.

It's Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off at school? Bi-son.

Why do bananas wear sun cream? To stop them from peeling.

Where do beef burgers go to dance? The meatball.

Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he's always lion.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!

What did the first plate say to the second plate? Dinner's on me.

Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.

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